bored

I have three small hairs near the knuckle of my left thumb. On the other hand (quite literally) my right thumb has none at all.

sitcom wisdom

An old roommate of mine once saw a bank teller and fell in love. He took a business card with him and researched her address. He found a listing for her name in a neighborhood on the other side of town, and told me his plan to drive aimlessly around the area. I asked him what he planned to do if by some outside chance his stalking succeeded and he actually saw her. What if she happened to recognize him from the bank?

He told me that he had everything planned out. If he ran into her he'd simply act surprised to and ask her if she lived around there too. He'd tell her that he lived just around the corner, and it's so strange running into her like this. If by some chance this plan landed an actual date, what was he planning to tell her when it became apparent that he didn't live anywhere near her? He would then explain the situation and he expected that she would be so flattered with the extravagancy that they'd be married immediately.

I don't know how anyone who's grown up in our generation of sitcoms could even think that this plan had any chance of success. I knew that in 27 minutes (minus commercials) the two of us would sit down on a couch as emotional music played to talk about the lesson learned. You don't need to lie to women to impress them.

Despite my warnings my friend (let's call him Cousin Larry) tried it anyway. Lucky for him he never got past stage two. He never saw her. So he came up with a backup plan. He printed a Shakespearean sonnet along with his phone number, sealed it in an envelope and handed it her as he cashed his next paycheck. Even though this might have worked for Balki, I suggested against this one as well.

Not only did 'Larry' not receive a call, but she began to find very important distractions whenever he entered the line at the bank. I guess the lesson that can be learned from this episode is to never try anything for any reason.

playing coroner

When I was very young a babysitter brought her younger sister, who was my age, with her as she looked over my brothers and I. While we played quietly in the back room, I decided that we should pretend like I had died in a car wreck. Somehow I deduced that dead people do not wear clothes. So for near realism I lay on the bed with my shirt pulled up and my pants around my ankles. The babysitter peaked her head in the door as her siser examined my 'mutilated' body. She did not approve. I don't think she told my parents, but I don't remember her bringing her sister to visit anymore either.

Some kids play doctor, but I played coroner. That's kind of weird. I'd like to say that I turned out normal, but maybe someone else should be the judge of that.

single and seventy

Today I went to the first family reunion since my younger brother anounced his engagement to be married. Congratulations to him, and condesention to me (I'm not completely sure that word fits, but it sounded cool in my head). In the car ride my mom asked me again whether I was ever going to get married, or be like Uncle Evan who's seventy and still single. I told her that I've actually been married for three years with 2 kids that she'll never meet unless she straigtens up. It doesn't really bother so much, but exageration is more interesting than bland facts. I'm only 25 and she's been asking me that question already for at least 3 years.

My cousin has been trying to hook me up with a friend of hers for years now. I'm really not into hook-ups. As far as I know, this friend thinks that her crush is confidential. Little does she know that her secret is betrayed at nearly every family get together we have. I wonder if she would be embarassed to know that today a jury of aunts and cousins decreed that the two of us are to be wed this fall alongside my brother and his fiancé. Actually meeting or talking in person is a luxury we are not being granted.

subtle dis

A few years ago I was at a nightclub (which was really just a dirty bar with a dance floor) with a few friends. I spotted a girl that I'd seen and admired at school. I thought she was beautiful. As we made eye contact I gave her a large smile. She whispered something to her friend, and they slowly danced to the other side of the room.